It’s just halfway through my personal trainer session and I’m in the bathroom throwing up.
In that moment, as I knelt on the hard cold floor with my head pounding I could feel my confidence slipping like sand through my fingers. I stayed in that position for ten minutes, silently pleading for the room to stop spinning and for no one to walk in. When the nausea finally faded I got up, wiped the sweat from my stinging eyes and looked at myself in the mirror. What I saw I didn’t like, a feeling I hadn’t felt since I started running. I saw a broken version of myself; sweat drenched and white as a sheet with defeat etched heavily upon my skin.
After four weeks off hard training I knew my fitness would not be where it once was and that I was going to struggle but not this much, not like this. With a 20 mile race on a few days away, fear closed in. My depression can play powerful tricks on my mind and in this moment of pure weakness it took it’s advance. It whispered sweetly in my ear like a loved one; “give in, give up you know you want to” and I listened to it. Now in the clarity of a better day I can say I don’t want to give up and that I never will but in those shadow clogged minutes I broke.
I made my excuses and left the gym, fake smiles and hollow laughter hiding the crisis of confidence tearing through me. I got in my car and put on the one song that I go to when I hit a running related roadblock or landmine. It’s called Surprise Yourself by Jack Garrett and it was my anthem during my first year of running. While the lyrics; “just let go and surprise yourself” echoed through my doubting mind I pictured all that I have achieved in spite of all that I had against me since I started running. I remembered all the breakable moments I’ve had over the years and the simple fact that I just keep going, slowly at times but forward nonetheless. Before running my depression would sneak in to my soul and remain like a squatter for countless days and never ending nights, now I have all these shards of joy to look back at. Running is my armour to it’s teeth and claws.
I know I am not unbreakable but that’s a good thing; we learn by breaking. We rebuild a new version of ourselves in those shattering moments. I broke perfectly and completely a few years ago and in rebuilding myself again I found a love of running. Without that I wouldn’t have all of you amazing readers now, the friends I’ve made along the way and the new extraordinary life I treasure so greatly. So, as I lay awake last night reading through all the heartwarming comments people were sending me after I posted about this ‘incident’ on social media I thought how lucky I am to be breakable. Depression is something I would never wish upon anyone but by defying it every day I claim those little victories and use it to build a better, less breakable me.
So the next time you find yourself burnt out and on the floor remember tomorrow you can build yourself taller upon the ashes of today.
Next Race: Milton Keynes 20miler
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9 Comments
I have to say there is not one tough thing yet that I’ve been through in my life that I haven’t learned and grown in some way from. I think you’re right–these struggles are a gift. As we experience more of them are resiliency and determination to rebuild just gets stronger and stronger. Thanks for sharing your stumble!
Resilience is a good word Cat, learning from experiences and adding to your resilience is a way to cope with the daily struggles. Thanks for commenting
I had to go and look up the song after reading. It’s got a cool video too.
It’s a great video isn’t it? Really fits with how I view the song too
Boy that struck a chord!! Thanyou for sharing this!
I’ve been on a very similar journey and have been broken more times than I’d like. I strive to learn from each occasion and as you say, in doing so rebuild a better version of ourselves.
Take heart in what you have achieved and from those that you have inspired!
Thanks for commenting, yes I definitely couldn’t count the number of times I’ve been broken and had to rebuild but now I see it as an opportunity rather than a set back. Well after a few days under the shadow
That was beautifully written and has helped me no end. Wishing you so much love.
Thank you Rosalind that’s really kind
[…] My last post about how I was struggling was really hard to publish but the swell of support and incredible messages I received truly helped me rebalance myself. I still can’t quite put in to words how lucky I am to have you all on my side, willing me on. […]
Wonderful, honest article. Very inspirational. I love your philosophy about not being able to rebuild unless we break down what is already there. We have all been there.